This has always been a difficult topic for me. Shortly before Husband and I got married back in 1999, we started playing Xyllomer (a MUD). At that time, we made some “internet” friends who ended up becoming “real life”. Somewhere around that time, the line between my internet friends and my real life friends blurred.
My real life friends played Xyllomer with me. My high school friends mostly had moved on, going to college in different states or starting families. I had only kept in touch with one of them (whom I am still in touch with and she’s more of a sister then a friend at this point). We had MUD parties at our tiny apartment and became really good friends with a few of these people. (One of them in particular we still keep in touch with and meet up with every time he flies to the West Coast.)
As we moved to WoW, the line between my real life friends and my online friends blurred further. I flew around the country meeting the women that would end up building a social base for me. I lost one of them but am still good (may I say best) friends with some of the others. I have them on Facebook, Livejournal, Twitter, Instagram. I get Christmas cards from them. I care about their children, pets, marriages as much, if not more, then the people I know in my real life.
As I have moved through guilds, I have gained friends and I have lost friends. With every gain, I have added pieces to my soul that I didn’t have before. With every loss, something has been taken away, a little bit of trust. It took me a long time to want to make friends again after leaving Ascension. I clung to Towa, my healing buddy that invited me to Myth. I didn’t jump in whole heartedly and expose my personality all at once because I was afraid to get hurt again.
I ended up gaining friends and losing friends as they came and went from the game. They mostly just stopped playing however. It wasn’t until this guild that I had people ninja transfer on me.
Which brings me to yesterday. Our holy paladin wasn’t online for the time leading up to raid. I didn’t think anything of it. Sometimes he runs late. And that’s when Husband told me he transferred off server without a word. I checked my Battle Tag, as we’d been friends there. Yup, he’d removed me. And I was crushed. I understand that he wanted to raid heroics faster then we were getting to them. (We were at Garrosh this week but due to the fact that I don’t have a full tanking set yet, I’m missing a trinket, I declined doing progression tanking on him. So we didn’t get him down.) So, I honestly feel like his leaving the guild was 100% my fault.
I have a overbearing personality. This is something I am well aware of. In order to deal with me on a daily basis, it takes a lot of patience and I’m pretty sure some kind of sainthood. Well, I dumped all my crazy on him and thought we were friends because he put up with it. We’d talk healing and I thought we got along. But now. My feelings are completely tore up and I am so very upset and confused. Was there anything I could have done better? Was there anything I did to push him away from our raid?
In Ascension, there were complaints about me. I don’t know if there were complaints about me in Myth. And I don’t want there to be complaints about me here. But dear lord. What if that is just who am I? Someone that other’s complain about? So, now I’m here. A insecure mess because someone I thought was my friend ninja transferred off server to go do heroics with another guild. I didn’t care when the shadow priest did it. But since it was a member of my healing team? HOLD THE PRESSES! THE WORLD IS ENDING NOW.
So there, when you get right down to it, no matter how normal I can make myself seem. When you come right on down to it, my anxiety disorder rears it’s ugly head and freaks out. And the smallest thing sends me into a tailspin. So. Hope you guys are having a good day. Because by this Friday, things will be better again. Because I have a surprise. And that surprise will be awesome.