For the majority of my life, guilt has been a motivating factor for me. I would take care of my sisters because I felt guilty that my mother was so stressed out. I would go to work because I felt guilty about calling in sick. I would show up to raid because I felt guilty about not signing up because I was one of the few healers in our guild at the time.
It has only been in the last few years that I have been able to conquer the Sha of Guilt and move on from it. I’ve worked very hard at it and I’m pretty happy with my progress at this. However, I still find myself slipping back into this guilty mind set every now and then.
We have three healers in our raid group. As we get more comfortable with the fights in normal mode Siege, we are two healing some of these fights. Which means one of us is sitting more often then not. For the first couple of tries, that someone was our disc priest. I was rarely the person who sat. Also, for a couple of weeks, I was the only person on my tier token. And of course, that was the only token that dropped.
Plus, a lot of leather has been dropping and, wouldn’t you know it, there have been no other leather wearers in the group. So I’ve been picking up a lot of off-spec pieces for both feral/guardian and boomkin sets.
It’s gotten to the point that I’m very confused if I should roll for a piece of my main spec gear. Plus, I’ve been aiming so hard for haste, that now that I feel comfortable with the amount of haste on my gear, I feel weird asking for rings and weapons with mastery on them. Yay, the Sha of Guilt raises it’s ugly head again!
And the worst part? Two lock outs ago, on our first kill of Siegemaster Blackfuse, his healing trinket dropped and our disc priest and I rolled for it. She won it but our raid leader asked her in our healing chat to give it to me because I hadn’t gotten a healing trinket yet from the raid. She’d gotten the cleave trinket from Thok and he had gotten the multi-strike trinket from Nazgrim earlier in that lockout. She gave it to me, with neither myself nor our raid leader realizing how good the Siegemaster trinket was for her and now bad the cleave trinket (that she’d won off a roll) was for her.
Fast forward to Tuesday of this week. Sha of Pride drops and I coin the Amp trinket. So now I have the amp trinket AND the trinket from Siegemaster. And I feel like crap. Our disc priest isn’t using the cleave trinket because it’s performing worse for her then her trinkets from Throne of Thunder. And I took the trinket from her.
I felt so guilty that when our raid leader asks us healers if we need anything off the two healable bosses and I see that the gear just has mastery/spirit on it, I volunteer to sit. All I want to do right now is go back in time and give this trinket to her.
And I know what I’m doing right now. I’m ‘spinning’ on the Siegemaster trinket situation. I’m circling it and making myself feel worse and worse. And I’ll probably be doing this until she gets the trinket. Or at least *A* trinket from Siege. Because when the Sha of Guilt gets it’s claws into me, I can’t seem to let it go.
Now, I need to say this so I don’t make anyone think that either my raid leader or the disc priest or anyone else in my raid has said or done anything to make me feel this way. This is how *I* feel. No one has done or said anything to make me feel this way. This is all me and my own personal mental issues. However, since this is my own personal blog space, I get to write what I want and I want to write about my guilty feelings. I feel the same way when I’m the only Vanquisher person in the raid and my tier token drops. So, don’t go off blaming anyone for the way I’m feeling. This is me being me. Disclaimer over.